September 2020 Newsletter

"God is #1" Those are my brother’s words. I knew he believed in God. I just didn’t know how strong his faith was. Going through his things afterward, we found a pocket-sized bible. Someone told us he read it every night like a book. When we went through his phone searching for answers or even a clue as to why he did it, I found where he searched if people that died by suicide still went to heaven. He wanted to be with God. The night my brother turned twenty-two he shot himself and ended his life. I will never forgive myself for not being home. Maybe if I had been there, things could have gone differently. I guess I’ll never know. That Friday, I got back from work and wished him a  happy birthday. My daughter, who was there with him, had made him a birthday card. We had planned on celebrating his birthday on Saturday with the family. That celebration would never happen. Instead of planning a party for him we were tasked with planning a funeral. We all have those unforgettable days that no matter how long it’s been, we remember every detail, even smells or sounds. I’m not talking about just regular happy or sad days that happen, but those genuinely unforgettable days or moments that are forever engraved in our hearts and souls. Up until recently, my most memorable days were filled with joy. The joyful day my son was born, the sweet sound of that first time I heard him crying; the feeling of holding my baby. The next unforgettable day was when my daughter was born, I remember her first cry, holding her for the first time and the smell of her hair. Now I have two more unforgettable days that I wish were happy, but are the saddest days I have lived in my entire life. The morning I found out my brother was gone, I felt like I couldn’t breathe, as if no matter how hard I gasped for air there was none for me. I fell to my knees I wanted to cry… to scream, be mad at him, hug him, protect him … I will never forget. Unforgettable is also the day we laid him at his final resting place. TRIGGER WARNING- The following pages has information about suicide, which may be upsetting to some people. 4